


Pocket Full of Posies

by ArgentSleeper



Series: Ring Around the Rosie [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Past Infidelity, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 07:18:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5325404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/pseuds/ArgentSleeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin is broken.  Arthur is broken.  But the only ones who can heal them are each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pocket Full of Posies

**Author's Note:**

> TURN BACK NOW THE END IS NIGH

 

“You’re sure you’re going to be okay here?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. He could hear the unspoken emphasis in his sister’s voice on the word “ _here_.” He knew this place wasn’t exactly his style. It was small, the furnishings left by the old tenant, and the paint in the bathroom was slightly water stained, but it was a huge step up from his previous home on her and Leon’s couch.

Besides, maybe recent events were just a sign that he needed a change.

Merlin was cheating on him. Merlin had apparently been cheating on him for a while.

Arthur couldn’t believe it. There had been no signs, no hints. Merlin had never expressed any unhappiness with him. Arthur had been so sure that Merlin _loved_ him, wanted to _marry_ him. Had Arthur been neglecting him? Yes, he’d been working a bit later the past couple months. The summer was their busiest time of year at the museum. But Merlin knew that; it had been the same every year since Arthur started working there. Just like Arthur accepted that Merlin would always be busier before an art show.

If Merlin had just _said_ something…

“I’ll be fine, Morgana. It’s not that bad.”

Morgana sniffed, but thankfully held back further comment. Arthur was actually quite proud of his sister’s restraint these past few weeks, not to mention beyond grateful. A week later and he still didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling in regards to that whole mess. He wasn’t sure he could handle Morgana getting her nose all messed up in it as well, even if it was for his benefit.

“I still say you should have demanded your old flat.” Well, perhaps it was too much to hope that Morgana would have _that_ tight a rein on her thoughts. “You deserve it after what he put you through. If you still didn’t want to speak to him, you know I would have been more than happy to deal with the lawyers on your behalf.”

Arthur sighed. They’d been through this every day since he had suggested moving out. “I need a new place. Without all those memories.”

He didn’t mention that when he’d gone to collect his things and take his name off the lease, he’d learned that Merlin had already told the landlords he was moving out. Off to live with one of his new _friends_ , Arthur supposed.

He certainly didn’t have any old ones. Morgana and Leon had been immediately on Arthur’s side, as he’d known they would be. Lance and Gwen had frowned and tried for a few moments to defend Merlin, but in the end even they couldn’t deny it when Arthur had caught Merlin in the act. The final proof, however, came from Percy, who admitted to seeing Merlin leave the club that night with another man. He just hadn’t known at the time that Merlin was being unfaithful.

“Well, so long as you’re happy, I suppose I can try to look past the garish décor.”

Arthur could tell it was costing her to say that in her own way, so he just smiled and teased her about the paisley armchair in the living room.

He didn’t have the heart to tell her he didn’t think happiness was an option for him anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

Merlin always thought the waiting room was rather dull considering the topics discussed in its back rooms. Plain white walls, hard-backed wooden chairs. Two plants attempting to brighten up the corner. It was all so… _normal._

At the very least he would have expected a pamphlet entitled “So You’re Going to Die, Now What?”

Today they were deciding his treatment. Merlin wasn’t sure why they were bothering. He already knew the drill. Surgery first, then radiation, then when that didn’t work chemo. He doubted much had changed since he was in grade school. It certainly wasn’t going to suck any less. He was just glad his mum wouldn’t have to watch it happen this time.

Nor Arthur. Merlin pushed down the pang that had become synonymous now every time Arthur popped into his head. He nearly gave in and called to apologize six times throughout that first night. Only the fact that he didn’t own a phone and would have to go beg one off someone else stopped him. It was easier the next day. All he had to do was look at the packet of information from the oncologist to convince himself he’d done the right thing. It was enough to drive him through putting the final nail in the coffin (his mother had never appreciated his dark humour during his last diagnosis), moving out of the flat they’d once shared and into a place across town. While he was sure that Arthur wouldn’t want him back, there was still the risk of his old friends –especially Arthur’s protective older sister –coming round to confront him.

Merlin was doing this on his own. Maybe they would be hurt now, but in the long run they’d be fine. Not like if he let them watch him suffer and die.

“Mr Emrys?”

Merlin froze.  He knew that voice. That was not the voice of his regular nurse.

“If you could come with me, please?”

Merlin steeled himself, doing his best to slip back into the nonchalant bastard persona from that fateful night.  Then he stood and followed his former friend Gwen into the back room.

Gwen motioned for him to take a seat.  Merlin did, forcing himself not to hang his head in defeat as she closed the door.

“How could you not tell me?” She demanded immediately.  Gwen's face was flooded with distress.  “This whole thing was a lie wasn't it?  Arthur just made that whole cheating story up so we wouldn't get mad at him for leaving you just because you got sick.  Oh, Merlin!  I'm so sorry I believed him!  I never would have-  You should have called us!  You know Lance and I would have taken your side.  So would everyone else for that matter.  Don't worry, we'll be here for you now.  I'm just covering for Nancy today, but as soon as you know your next appointments let me know, and I'll take those days off to come with you.” Gwen threw her arms around him in a tight hug, ignoring his flinch.

This was bad.  This was so bad.  Gwen would tell everyone now, and they would all know Merlin had lied, and Arthur would know, and Arthur would come back, and Arthur would be devastated… Merlin couldn't let that happen.  He just couldn't.

“No, Gwen.”

“No?”

He tried to pull away, but Gwen clung to him, and he didn’t have the heart to throw her off. “I don't want you there.  I don't want any of you there.  Not you or Lance or… or Arthur.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I understand why you're angry with Arthur,” Gwen pet his head like he was a small child.  “Believe me, next time I see him I'm going to kill him. How could he do this to you?”

“He didn't do anything to me, Gwen.” Merlin hung his head.  “He didn’t leave me because of this.”

“Merlin, I've seen your chart.  You were diagnosed before he left you.  He might not have used that as his excuse, but you have to admit the timing is suspicious.”

“If you've seen my chart then you know this thing is going to kill me,” Merlin rebutted harshly.  Gwen flinched at the blunt statement.  “He doesn't know because I didn't tell him.  I couldn't. I really did cheat on him to get him to leave.  I don't want him to watch me die. “

Gwen’s hand came up to brush away the tears that spilled down his cheeks, ignoring her own.  “You can't do this on your own, Merlin.”

“I have to.  Please, you can't tell him.” This was all for nothing if Arthur found out now. It was bad enough that sweet, gentle Gwen knew.

“He's going to find out, Merlin.  What do you think will happen then?”

“He won't find out until I'm gone, and then he'll just be angry.  Anger has always been much easier for Arthur to deal with than grief.  He'll be okay. Please, Gwen.”

“Merlin…”

“You're my nurse, right?  Which means you have to respect my privacy.  Anything you read in my chart is covered by confidentiality laws.” Merlin knew it was a low blow, appealing to Gwen’s sense of right and wrong, but he was desperate.

The conflict was visible on Gwen's face for another few moments before she crumbled. “Okay.  I won't tell.

“Not even Lance?”

She whimpered but nodded.  “Not even Lance.  But Merlin, you should.  We're your friends.  We care about you.  Arthur loves you. “

“Not anymore he doesn't.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I can’t believe you thought you could survive purely on takeaway, Arthur! Really, it’s a wonder you’ve survived this long. Hasn’t anyone ever taught you about proper nutritional needs? Don’t make me tell Morgana on you.”

Arthur shuddered at the thought but didn’t interrupt Gwen’s tirade. Gwen had come over that morning for tea, an occurrence Arthur had decided he was just going to have to get used to from now on. Yesterday it had been Percy asking him to come along to the gym, and the day before that Lance had invited him to a movie. Gwaine had already claimed tomorrow night for a trip to the club.

At least all of those trips were outside of his house. It meant that until now he could hide the fact that his grocery supply consisted of a fortune cookie and two bottles of beer. All that had been ruined the instant Gwen opened his cupboard to hunt for tea leaves. She had immediately insisted on dragging him to the store, sitting at his table first to create a grocery list –without his input –then making a copy so he had no excuse not to do it for himself at a later date.

She was making a quick stop by Arthur’s bathroom before they left when her mobile rang.

“Arthur, could you get that for me, please?”

“Yeah, sure.” Arthur dug through her purse (honestly, why did women even _need_ all of the stuff she had in there?) and pulled out the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Mr Emrys?”

Arthur wished he was able to hold back his flinch by now, but sadly he wasn’t. “No, sorry. He’s not available at this number.”

“Who am I speaking to?”

“Arthur Pendragon.”

“Arthur Pendragon, this is Barbara from the anaesthesia department at Camelot National Hospital. We have you listed as one of Mr Emrys’s alternate contacts. We aren’t able to reach Mr Emrys at this time. May we please leave a message?”

 _No_ was on the tip of Arthur’s tongue, but suddenly he found his jaw clicking shut. What did Merlin need with anaesthesia? He shouldn’t care, he _didn’t_ care, yet his mouth didn’t seem to notice that. “Yes, I’ll tell him.”

“Excellent. Please remind Mr Emrys his pre-op appointment with Dr Gaius is Monday at 2:30.”

“He’ll be there,” his traitorous mouth confirmed. “Thank you for the call.”

Arthur barely noticed the woman on the other end hanging up. Merlin was having surgery. For what? Appendicitis? No, he wouldn’t have a scheduled pre-op for that. Root canal? But that wouldn’t be at the hospital.

The more he debated it, the more he was coming to the conclusion that the only way he could satisfy his curiosity (because that’s all it was, _just_ curiosity), was to go to Merlin and ask.

Well that wasn’t happening. Arthur was not going to be the first one to give in. If Merlin wanted to tell him something –which he obviously didn’t –he was going to have to come to Arthur. It probably wasn’t even anything serious. Maybe one of his jilted lovers had shoved him down the stairs and cracked open his stubborn head. That was probably it. It was nothing less than what he deserved at least.

Gwen came back into the room, crossing over to the door to grab her coat and shrug it on. “So who was it?”

“Merlin has an appointment on Monday.”

Gwen froze. "Arthur, I- I’m sorry, it’s just-”

“It’s fine, Gwen,” he sighed. “It’s not like I expected nobody to ever speak to him again. He didn’t do anything to _you_.” _Only I got that privilege._

“It’s not that I think what he did was right,” she explained, wringing her hands and looking at him with pleading eyes. “I’m just helping him out with something. You know he doesn’t have his own phone.”

“I said it’s _fine_ , Gwen!” Arthur snapped. He had been doing so well at forgetting about Merlin lately. Morgana was talking about setting him up on a date with someone from work. Why did this all have to come up now? “I don’t see why one of his new fuckbuddies can’t ‘help’ him out instead, but it’s _fine._ I don’t care. Let’s just drop it.”

Gwen looked like she had more to say, but eventually she nodded in agreement. “Shall we?”

Arthur held open the door and followed her out to the car. They didn’t speak during the drive to the Tesco, which Arthur decided was more curse than blessing. He didn’t like being left to his own thoughts. Especially now, when there were too many unanswered questions and no one around to answer them. Well, he could probably ask Gwen, but it wasn’t fair to ask her to drop it and then interrogation her in the same breath.

It wasn’t until they returned from the grocery store and Arthur was dropping Gwen back at her house that either of them broke the truce. With her hand on the door handle, Gwen paused and turned back to face him. “I just have one question, and please don’t get mad at me for asking, I just have to know. If Merlin hadn’t cheated on you, would you still be with him?”

“Of course.” The answer surprised Arthur with how quickly it came out of his mouth. He hadn’t even taken a second to think about it. But it was true nonetheless. “I- I loved him more than anything. I was happy with him, even if he wasn’t with me. But I guess at the same time… maybe not. He didn’t want me, Gwen. Cheating aside, that’s the bottom line: Merlin doesn’t care about me anymore, if he ever did.”

Gwen rested a gentle hand on his arm and kissed him on the cheek. “Okay. That’s all I needed to know.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Merlin vomited into the toilet for the third time that night, Gwen only barely arrived in time to pet his hair and rub his back gently.

“Oh, sweetheart.  I thought they weren't starting medications until after the surgery.”

“They aren't,” Merlin coughed, accepting the glass of water to rinse his mouth.  “I'm fine, really.  It’s just a side effect of the tumour.”

“Oh yes, because that makes it so much better!” Gwen rebutted near hysterically. She took a moment to calm herself, flushing the toilet and fetching a pillow to ease under Merlin’s head when it became clear he couldn’t stand.

“Please, Merlin.  You can't stay here by yourself.  If the side effects are this bad before you have treatment imagine how bad it will be once you start.”

“I don't have to imagine!” Merlin snapped.  The words lost some of their force with him still curled in the foetal position on the bathroom floor.  “I've already been through this, Gwen.  I told you before; I'm not forcing anyone else go through it with me, not this time.  It's bad enough you're here.”

“Don't you _want_ Arthur here?”

“Of course I want Arthur here!  I want Arthur to hold back my hair and hold me and tell me it'll be okay!  But he can't!  He can't, Gwen!  I won't do that to him.”

“Well pardon me if I think that's just selfish! Doesn't Arthur get any say in this?  Or any of your friends for that matter?  What if they want to see you again before you… in case something happens to you?” Gwen's voice cracked.  “Don't we deserve a chance to say goodbye?”

“I already said goodbye to Arthur,” Merlin replied, feeling his own heart break as well.  “It killed me to let him go, Gwen. I’m sorry I can’t do that again with anyone else.” He choked back a sob. “Besides, he wouldn’t come even if you asked him to.”

“You don’t know that.”

Oh God, he wished that he didn’t. “But I do! He hates me. He _hates_ me. I’m going to die with Arthur _hating_ me.”

Now that the tears had come he had no hope of holding them back. He was alone, despite his team of concerned doctors, despite Gwen. Merlin was going to die with the one person he cared about most ready to throw a party when it happened. And if there was anything to tell him that he had absolutely done the wrong thing, then that was it.

Gwen held him there on the bathroom floor until he passed out from exhaustion and despair. When he woke up the next morning it was the day of his surgery.

Before he let Gwen take him to the hospital, he decided to vomit again.

 

* * *

 

 

“Arthur, you're coming with me.”

Arthur looked up to where Gwen had burst through his front door. He had been trying to enjoy his last piece of toast –that had been one of the few things Gwen hadn’t loaded into his trolley last week– with a bit of jam. “I am?  Where?  Why?”

Gwen just grabbed him by the arm and tugged, eyes steely with determination. “Don't ask questions, just get in the car.”

Arthur obeyed, because he would never admit it but Gwen could be as scary as Morgana sometimes and he didn't dare to cross her when she sounded so determined.  Gwen navigated traffic with a single minded focus, refusing to answer any further inquiries.  Even when they stopped in a car park he simply allowed himself to be dragged through the halls of the building, confusion mounting with every second.

“Guinevere, what on earth are we doing here?”

“Well I for one am breaking my oath and about ten different laws.  What you're doing is up to you.” With that she opened the door of a hospital room and shoved him inside.

A young nurse leaned over the patient on the bed, adjusting their blankets around a myriad cords and tubes. She turned when Arthur entered, smiling at the sight of him. “Oh, you must be Mr Pendragon. Gwen told me you’d be coming. I’m afraid you’ll have to put up with a bit of sedation now, though. Poor thing was having a panic attack, and I couldn’t put off calming him down any longer. Just remember to be gentle with him.” She collected the clipboard off the bed and patted Arthur on the shoulder as she left.

Arthur was still a bit stunned by her casual treatment of him –surely it couldn’t be normal for strangers to just burst into hospital rooms of other strangers –that he didn’t notice just who was occupying the room until a slurred voice called out to him.

“What’re you doing here?”

Arthur’s head jerked towards the head of the bed and ire automatically flooded into him. Merlin lay propped up against pillows, eyes slightly unfocused, frowning at him in confustion. Merlin, who Arthur hadn’t seen since the night he ripped Arthur’s heart out then vanished without a trace.

“I’m leaving.”

“But you just got here,” Merlin pouted, as if there were no reason for Arthur to want to leave so soon. Then he winked at Arthur conspiratorially, “Gwen left her crisps behind. I’m not s’posed to have ‘em, but I’ll share ‘em with you if you stay.”

“I’m not staying, Merlin,” Arthur snapped. “I don’t know what the hell you and Guinevere are playing at, but it’s not going to work. You’re not going to get me to fall at your feet in forgiveness just because I’m supposed to pity you.”

This must be the surgery that woman was talking about on Gwen’s phone. Not that it mattered, because Arthur _still didn’t care_. He couldn’t see a thing wrong with Merlin, no evidence at all that this was anything more than a sick joke at Arthur’s expense. Why Merlin couldn’t just apologize like a normal person was beyond him.

Merlin pouted again, letting out a loud sniff. “You’re mad at me too.”

“No fucking kidding!”

“Do you hate me like Arthur hates me?”

Arthur was surprised into a moment of silence. Apparently Merlin was on heavier sedation than he’d first suspected. After a moment he stepped forward cautiously. The others might call him a bastard for this but right now he wasn’t above taking advantage of the situation.

“Why does Arthur hate you?”

“Cause I lied to him,” Merlin sniffed again. “I lied and now he hates me.”

Arthur crept a bit closer. “What did you lie about?” _That you loved me? That you wanted to be with me forever? That I was enough?_

“I told ‘im I did something baaad. That made him maaad. And now I’m saaad.” Merlin giggled at his rhyming even as his brow furrowed in upset.

“And what did you do bad?” he pressed.

Merlin rolled his eyes clumsily. “I _lied,_ ” he repeated, as if Arthur were the slow one. “I didn’t do an’thing bad!”

Arthur felt his heart shatter once more. This had been a terrible idea. He didn’t want to hear this again, to hear how Merlin didn’t give a single fuck how badly he’d hurt Arthur with his actions. “You don’t think cheating on someone is bad?”

“Didn’t cheat,” Merlin insisted with a huff. “I _lied_.”

Arthur snorted. “Alright, I’m done here. Those drugs have clearly gone to your head, if there was anything up there to mess with in the first place. _I saw you_ , Merlin.”

But Merlin just shook his head stubbornly, bobbling it about like a doll. “Nuh-uh. Was pretending. Arthur had to gooo. Can’t let him knooow.” This time he didn’t even crack a smile at the rhyme. “I miss him.”

Arthur turned and walked out of the room.

Gwen stumbled back from where she’d clearly been trying to listen through the thick door. Arthur grabbed her by the arm and yanked her away, ignoring her surprised yelp. He spotted an open bathroom and shoved her inside, nearly slamming the door closed behind them. “What the hell is this?”

“Arthur, please, just give me a second to explain-”

“Well _somebody_ better, and it obviously won’t be Merlin since he’s high as a kite in there. Why am I here?” Gwen opened her mouth to answer, but Arthur cut her off. “And this had better be the best damn reason on the planet, Guinevere. I’m getting very good at this not speaking to people ever again thing.”

Tears had sprung to Gwen’s eyes as he snarled at her, but Arthur was unmoved. He had reached the end of his patience with everyone today. “I’m so sorry,” she wept. “He begged me not to tell you, but I _have_ to. He needs you, Arthur.”

“Needs me for _what_?” Merlin didn’t need him for anything. He’d made that perfectly clear.

“Merlin’s sick, Arthur. He’s sick, and he didn’t want you to know because then you’d get hurt, but you’re hurt anyway, and oh God, Arthur, he’s going to die!”

Gwen collapsed onto Arthur’s chest in sobs, and he couldn’t do anything but stand there and let her. _“Was pretending._ _Arthur had to go. Can’t let him know._ ”

“What do you mean he’s sick?” he asked hoarsely. “Gwen, what’s wrong with him?”

“He’s got a brain tumour. They’re going to try to take it out today, but none of the doctors think it’ll do any good.”

_“Was pretending.”_

“Gwen, did he cheat on me? Or was that a lie?”

“He lied. I’m so sorry, Arthur. He was just doing it to protect-”

But Arthur wasn’t even listening anymore. He abandoned Gwen in the bathroom and ran back to the hospital room. Merlin didn’t cheat. Merlin didn’t cheat because he lied, and he lied because he was…

Merlin was going to die. He was dying, and he hadn’t told Arthur. How could he not have told him? To protect him? How was that protection? Was Arthur supposed to be happy now to lose Merlin? Well he wasn’t. He was... He was… He didn’t know how he was. He needed to talk to Merlin. The _real_ Merlin, not this drugged out version.

Merlin smiled sleepily up at him when he entered. He had sunk into his pillows, curling up in the way Arthur recognized he did when he was ready to take a nap. Arthur slowly approached the bed.

“You came back,” Merlin slurred happily. “I was ‘fraid you were mad at me.”

“Oh I am.” Arthur sat in the chair by the bed. “I’m furious with you.”

Merlin pouted, and God was that look unfair. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“Can you tell Arthur I’m sorry, too? Arthur hates me.”

“Arthur doesn’t hate you.” His voice cracked as he corrected softly, “Arthur loves you.”

“He does?” It was like Arthur had just told him he had won the lottery, or a swarm of puppies was coming to see him. Merlin’s smile was bright enough to make even the harsh hospital lights seem dim.

“He does.” And somehow, despite everything , it was still true. A team of nurses came into the room, and Arthur knew it was time. “And I promise he’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Okay.” Merlin shrank into himself slightly as the nurses gathered around him and unlocked the bed from the wall to wheel down to surgery. “Can you- can you tell Arthur somethin’ for me?”

“Of course.”

“If I don’t wake up, tell Arthur I love him too.”

Arthur leaned down and pressed a kiss against Merlin’s forehead, brushing aside the tear that had been transferred from his own face. “He knows, Merlin. He knows.”

 


End file.
